“The highest and best use of anyone’s life is to do exactly what God calls them to do in the places He calls them to do it.”

There is a constant battle in my mind and heart.  There are things I want in this life, a house, a family, a home…I have tried to get those things through my own manipulations, and it all fell apart.  I pushed and schemed, to get a man to love me like my Father loved my Mother, and the glue I used did not hold.  I thought that if I was just perfect enough, if I could just hold it together enough…I would not hurt.  And ironically, I hurt myself more.  The harder I gripped to my plan, to my wants, the more it hurt, when they ripped out of my hands.  Is it worth it, to have my way?  I married a man for security, for a dream, for all the wrong reasons…

I wanted a great career.  I pushed myself when I worked so hard, that I would come home with massive headaches.  I would get so upset about daily events, and try to control every aspect, that I would have panic attacks.  My fear of failure, would cause me to fail before I even began…I would try to be so perfect in everyone’s eyes, that I could never sustain that level of performance, so I would quit before I could screw up.  I wanted a career to show that I was worthy…

I wanted a family, that would love me unconditionally…so for six years I tried…

Until one day, I realized that I was thankful that God said no.  I realized that my plan, even though it was a good desire, was not as important as what God had planned for me.  Is it worth getting what I want, if it means I am not in God’s will for my life?  Is it worth getting what I want, and God not getting the glory?

I could go get a teaching job, my husband could get an engineering job, we could get an SUV, a house, and a dog…

Then we could adopt two children, work on our 401 K, and go on vacation each year…   These things are not wrong.  I still want them.  But I want to want God more than them…  I want the goal to be more Christlikeness.   I want what He wants for me, and in His timing.  This is a daily struggle, but that is the best life for me.  If it means, I never have a place to call my own… if it means I’ll never hear a child call me Mom…if it means a struggle and a lot of work doing unglamorous work… (did that even make any sense?)  Then that is my BEST life now.

Let’s congratulate our new mother!  Frannie has given birth to two healthy babies.  We don’t know their sex or anything else about them, but they sure love it when it’s feeding time. I also need to correct my faulty assumption about Frannie’s marital status.  I was informed that Frannie is indeed married to Freddie and apparently has been for some time.  One apparently watches the kids during the day while the other takes the night shift.  Glad to know we have a fine model of good parenting that we can observe.  So, welcome the kids, I’m sure it won’t be long till they’re all grown up and ready to leave the house.

Ok, so it’s been a long time since we’ve posted.  In one way, that’s good because that means not a lot has been going on.  On the other hand, it’s bad because you don’t have the opportunity to share in our lives.  We hope to the mend this issue, but in the mean time, please help us welcome our new neighbor.  Her name is Frannie and we just noticed that her and her children moved in just the other day.  Frannie seems rather skiddish, so we try not to bother her often, but she did allow us to take her picture.  We haven’t officially met the kids yet, but she says they should be coming along soon.  I offered her a place in my herb box since I really haven’t had the time this year to do much planting and she seemed rather destitute, being a single mother.  I’ve always been a little soft for those in need.  Anyway, give Frannie a warm welcome and we’ll hope to update you on some things going on in our lives soon.

It is time to revamp the blog.  The pictures are a little old…and we want to start updating it more with current stuff…and Laura just likes change sometimes.    We have probably lost all of our followers, but that’s fine, things have been a little crazy around here lately.  So crazy, that sometimes I think I am losing my marbles.  Some would say I never had any, but I don’t talk to those people anymore… Okay, enough of the crazy talk.  So maybe I should update you guys…

Garon started working at Charter.  He likes his job, it was a difficult at first, but he has learned a new confidence from it.  He has to help difficult people with their technological problems, and sell them products.  So he is getting awesome at dealing with difficult people.    That is a very much needed skill in life.  He is doing very well in school, and making great grades.  He cooks a few nights a week, juggles our crazy finances, and cheers me on for another day.  God has given me a great man.  Garon is also trying to get an Ultimate Frisbee thing going on up here for Sunday afternoons.  He decided that now that he works at a desk, he needs the exercise.  So he works hard, and in his spare time, helps friends out with car mechanics and fixing their computers.  He stays quite busy, but I think he likes it that way.  Sooo, enough about him, before he gets embarrassed, and on to my crazy life.  Maybe I should find a new adjective…

I work full time, take one class (which I am majorly struggling with), and go to the doctor.  You would think a year and a half after surgery, I would be fine.  Well, I am not in pain from the endo.  I am just dealing with the after effects of endometriosis.  Hello, migraines, TMJ, and sinus/allergy problems.  However, the docs all say these are fixable things, and I am not going to die from them.    I’m still in pain, but in a different way.  This pain does not keep me from functioning, it just makes everything a little more difficult.  I have good days, and I have bad days.  The weird thing is that endometriosis can cause all of those things to happen, so they are all inter related.  I am thankful I have a job where I work Saturdays and Sundays, so that I can go to the doctor on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I get an allergy shot once a week, which is a thirty minute appointment, to make sure I don’t have an attack.  Then I get regular chiro adjustments, massage (to help with the migraines and TMJ), physical therapy, and hormone appointments.  I am scheduled to have sinus surgery, the first week of December.  It turns out my sinus passages have extra cells, that block them.  This prevents my sinuses from ever draining fully.  I have to take three to four decongestants a day.  This only gives me a window each time of about an hour of relief.  Fun huh?  We may have to cancel this, because we can not afford it at this time.  So the sinus pressure causes headaches and the TMJ causes headaches.  I am just one big headache huh?  Especially to my hubbie, hahaha.  I sleep every night with a night guard on, but when those jaw muscles get enflamed….  they said my TMJ is not like regular TMJ.  It is from having pain in other parts of my body (endometriosis).  The doctors said it was my way of dealing with all the pain I was in.  So it is like my jaw is sprained.  However my sprain can never heal, because we use our jaws for almost everything!  It just needs rest, but every time I worry about anything… it just gets worse.  We’ll have a few weeks where things are great, and I just go to the doc to keep it from flaring up again.  Then we’ll have weeks of just trying to get the inflammation under control.  This is not to complain… just for info on how to pray for us.  As a praise, I am completely off of any pain meds (except for Advil) and got off my antidepressant which helped with the hormone junk.  That was not fun to get off of.  It caused dizziness, me seeing stars, and nausea.  But I’m done with that, Praise God.  So the Lord is healing me, we just take two steps forward, and then a step back.  It is slow going, but if you knew me when I was in pain everday…  I just remind myself of that when I get discouraged.  God has been soooooo faithful.

The hysterectomy has helped tremendously, but who knew that would open another kettle of worms?  They could not know exactly what it would do to me, because everyone is actually different.  If my hormones get low, I cry and cry.  My skin can not stand to touch anything, especially anything metallic.  Like the tub, jewelry, etc.  Then I can’t sleep.   I get off my sleep med. this month.  I’m really nervous.  I’m about to be med. free and it terrifies me.  But if I take too many hormones, the endo comes back and the pain in my back puts me back in bed.  So it is a fine line we walk.  The only other thing that bothers me as a result of the hysterectomy… is the weight gain.  I have gained more weight, than I ever have in my whole life.  I never knew I was soooo vain.  I am the vainest person you will ever meet.  You would never think it, based upon the way I look.  Ha!  But I have a lot of pride.  God is helping me with that though.    It’s hard to work out, when your head always hurts.  I can do what I have to, but when that’s done, I just want to lie down.  But enough of all that, there are other symptoms… but too personal.    I’ll save you the gory details…. I know, I know, that was all pretty gory, but you have no idea… haha

School is killing me, but only because working and health stuff wears me out.  I just don’t have much time left to give it what it deserves.  But Lord willing, I’ll pass… and if I’ll study…

Work is good.  I’m pretty good at selling… I make good commissions, and do my best. I love the apartments.  They are of great quality and in the prettiest neighborhood.  It’s easy to sell, when you would buy it yourself in a heartbeat.  People have been so kind to me at work.  I do side jobs like cat sitting, and make really good.  Another resident, gave me enough Christmas decorations for a house!  We have an awesome Christmas tree… all free.  So God is greatly blessing me there… 

Finances are extremely rough right now.  From the debt when I could not work, to the debt in medical bills I incur each week.  We still have to pay more than we earn, but it gets better each day.  Some have asked why don’t we get two jobs apiece.  Well, we feel like the Lord wants us to have time for Him, time for service, and at least one evening a week together as a family. (even if it is just a family of two)  I also am unable to because of my other health concerns.  We actually make enough in commissions for an extra part time job, but we still struggle.  We also feel that we are called to finish our schooling, and at that point we will go somewhere and get jobs that pay more in our field.  If we quit now, it would only take that much longer to finish, and that much longer to pay our debt off.  Believe me, we have weighed all of our options.  This is where God has called us, and we will stay until He says it is time to do something different.  We know our lives will always be different anyways, since we are called to such a specific ministry.  It just makes us depend on Him all the more. 

Sometimes I have doubts about what I am doing here…Other times I just know this is what I am meant to be doing. (counseling)  One of these days, Garon and I will look back on this time, and probably think, those days were so great…  We have so many awesome friends here, that love us and support us.  It makes the times when we miss our family, so much more bearable.  I have no clue what God plans to do with all this, but even through my tears, I WOULDN”T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.  All praise and glory to the Father above, who showers us with so many spiritual blessings.  Thank you Jesus for taking a wretch like me and making me your beloved child.

Well, while you’re waiting for us to update this blog, you can always check out my more theological blog.  Surprisingly, there’s been some activity over there: http://blog.griffshp.com