I am so excited to be taking Systematic Theology this fall. This is going to help me flesh out more of the things I believe, and hopefully put them into words that are clear. I know what I believe, but I do not know how to communicate very well. It is kind of ironic that I am struggling with communication, when I always made straight A’s in public speaking. I loved it! Garon says it is just my written communication. I am also taking Old Testament 1and Typical Problems in Biblical Counseling. Typical Problems is very practical. It deals with all the issues we will deal with in counseling and how to approach them. There will be specific strategies, verses, and guidance from God’s word.
This life is a journey not a destination. These words are not my own obviously. I don’t remember who first said these words, and maybe no one does. It is just one of those things people say. All my life, I have been trying to wrap everything up in a new little bow, rushing to the finish line, trying to accomplish something that means something. I rush from thing to thing, never once slowing down to enjoy what I am learning. I believe that God has knocked my feet out from underneath me. Why? How else would I stop and listen? When would I slow down enough to see what God was trying to tell me. I am thankful for this time. I am tired of kicking and screaming. God has sustained me, when I thought I could not take anymore. He has provided me with everything I need, I want for nothing. My theology has been wrong for most of my life. I do not think I ever really understood the meaning of grace. I thought I was not good enough for Him or to be used by Him. How many times in the Bible did Jesus hang with the thieves, the whores, and the downtrodden of society? Who did He use? He used broken vessels like me. I have been so selfish and foolish. This life is not about me, my rights, and what I want. It is not about the American Dream, having two point five children, or the perfect career. Bethany Dillon sings a song called “You Are On Our Side”, it is on this page, if you want to listen to it. It is about the weak of the world, the widow, the orphan, and the sick. It is about how God feels about those people. He sits at the table with them. He invites them to come to Him. How could I not believe that He loved me? How could I not understand He was on my side? How did I miss that? He chose me, I did not choose Him. He drew me unto Him. That is why I want to be a counselor. I want to help the wounded and the poor. I want to show them who can really fulfill them, who really loves them, the only one who can really heal them, and the only one who satisfies. I may sound like a cliche, or may be using trite phrases. I never said I was good with words. But we are fools, if we believe this is all there is to life. Father and Lord, Forgive Me.
I love the night time. I always have, especially stormy ones. I can sit all curled up in my safe home and listen to it rage. I have always found it soothing. It makes me feel like the storm is just letting it all out. It sounds so cleansing to not have to hold it in. As you can tell, I have never been one to hold things in, unless it can hurt those around me. I find that I am somewhat like the storm, unable to hold it in one more minute. I used to love to go out at night. I never was one to want to stay home. It just seems different, romantic, soothing, and yet exciting all at the same time. However, this fall, I am about to become a morning person. In just a couple of weeks school will begin. I will be finding a job and I will no longer be a nocturnal creature with my husband. I love sleeping in the mornings. Oh well, back to the real world. My incision is still healing wonderfully. It won’t be long until I am running around and wondering what did I ever do with my time. I love the Fall too. It is my favorite time of the year. I love jacket weather and boots. I love football games with my husband and the holidays. It is also the return to classes. I am such a nerd, because I love new notebooks, books, and pens. I love getting ready for that first day of class. I always did as a kid. It was always a time of new beginnings for me. This year I will be entering a new decade. I will be turning thirty years old. I can not wait! A new beginning, a fresh start, and hope in my heart. Okay that was corny, but that’s the way I feel. I got a few books in the mail today. Two are how I can encourage my husband, and three are about how I can get closer to God, understand how He really feels about me, and how to live my life in a way that pleases Him. I have started reading them, and I feel the scales coming off my eyes. I am trying to focus on the good things in my life. I am also trying to trust God no matter what. It’s a process…but I’m not alone. I’m never alone.
Deuteronomy 31:6 (New International Version)
I love shopping as a therapy. I am a fashion junkie. Do not judge me by what I wear, for I am poor. That said, I rarely get to engage in this fun past time. However, each day, Garon and I have been going on small outings to get me out of the house. My mother called and wanted to give me something to look forward to, so she offered to buy me a new school outfit. So, the other day, Garon and I went on a quick trip to a store, where I found two lovely blouses. One is brown with white and mustard flowers (sounds horrible, but definitely cute). The other is black with a little lace up top. Both are modest, but very feminine. After living in t shirts and pajamas, I need feminine. Garon is taking me on a date after my six week checkup. We are going to fine dine and dress up. I can not wait to plan what I will wear. I want to go eat at Avalon, which has a patio with tiny white lights, and is very romantic. I am going to take time with my makeup and curl my hair. Garon has always told me that love is a choice. He chooses to love me every day. Can it be that happiness is a choice as well?
The more time I spend with young children, I find that I enjoy older children more. Is it because I am just not a nurturer? Or is it because God is preparing my heart for an older child? I do not know. As I get older, I just do not have any patience. Is this my feelings? Or is this because there is a child who needs me? I definitely need to think more on this, but I have all the time in the world. I have always been afraid of adopting an older child because of bonding issues and other things, such as abuse. If I do not have the patience for a little child, how will I have patience for a wounded child? I like the idea though, because there are so many older children that desperately need homes.
I am caught in a rip tide of my own making. Since my illness began, I have gradually been seeking numbness from the pain of my so called life. Now, I can’t get back. I do not know how to get back, or maybe I am just not willing to face the cost. I have been seeking everything but God. You know, for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to help others. Now, I do not know what I want to do. I feel adrift here. Am I really meant to be in the ministry? Who am I kidding? I am the biggest screw up there is. I go head strong for a while for Jesus, then something happens, or dullness sets in, and I quit. I am just one big quitter. It’s not about the infertility, the pain, or whether or not I want to be a parent. It’s bigger than that. I need my purpose back. I need my focus back. Okay, I know, I need Jesus. No, I’m not saying I’m not saved. I’m saying I’m adrift. How do I have confidence? How do I know who I am and what my purpose is in this world? I wanted to be a mother, I think, more than anything, just to have a purpose. Some great meaning to my little life. What am I to do with myself and this life? I always go pedal to the medal with everything, is this really me and what I am supposed to be? Or have I just jumped from ship to ship trying to fill my life with something? Why did I choose my vocation? Was it God, or me seeking something easy? Why do I serve a Savior, when I can’t feel Him right now?
Note: I am recovering well, and am happy with my surgery. However, now that my illness is getting better, some things I have not been dealing with are rearing their heads. So much time was spent dealing with this illness, now what do I want to do with my life? I can not be a parent for a while, so what am I supposed to be doing with this time? And now, I’m starting to doubt whether or not I really want to be a parent. Everything is so jumbled now… It’s like I’m floating above my life, looking at it like a movie, and saying is this who I want to be? I love the Lord, but am I living my life my way or the life He wants for me? I just want to know if I’m making these decisions because they are the right ones, or because I want a certain end result… such as the American dream, to be popular, to be like everyone else, and etc….
I have waited a long time to turn thirty, so I could finally be considered an adult and treated as such. When in actuality, I am part of the problem. Today I realized, that it is time to be a grown up. That involves deciding to accept things with grace and humility. I am going to try my hardest to quit complaining and look at things the way God would have me. It also involves facing problems instead of denying them or trying to run away. I have had a hard life. Some would disagree. Or perhaps, I have just made it hard due to poor choices. However, it definitely has not been easy for me. I am not complaining, just stating a fact. But I have been using that as an excuse to behave badly and not do the things I should. I have not been there for my husband to begin with. I always make it about me. The thing is, he loves me so much, that he does not ask for much. I have been focusing so much on me and my problems, that I have not even helped him with his. He is a good man. This summer, instead of spending all this extra time on my hands, focusing on myself, I am going to focus on my main two priorities. First, on my relationship with God, and second, on my relationship with my husband. That is what is important. So what, I’ve had a rough year, people do. I hope this will be a turning point in my attitude and in my healing. Thank you for listening and for being so patient with me.
I will never be pregnant. I will never feel my child kicking in my stomach, with slight flutters. I will never get to buy maternity clothes. I will never be in the hospital and be handed my new born child. I will never breast feed. I will never have a baby shower. I will never get to buy newborn diapers. I will never get to send out a birth announcement. I will never get to sing to my child in the womb. There are so many things that I will not get to experience. What will my future be like if I am not a young mother? Who am I if I am not a young mother? At this rate, I will not be a mother unless I adopt in late thirties, early forties.
I just read a wonderful quote that clarified some things for me. “When a guy walks out and breaks your heart, he doesn’t have the right to label you unloved or unwanted. His rejection does not have to define you. He is not God… Only God has the right to define you.” (Marian Jordan, Sex and the City Uncovered) Wow. That was what a previous post was all about. God defines me! He says I am loved and accepted. He has the final say. I am not to give others the power over me, and to make them Gods (idols) in my life. Holy Cow. This may not seem a big deal to you, but it sure is for me. I have been allowing everyone else to label me and define me. I have continued to think I was unlovable due to what someone else said or thought or did. They do not have the last word, nor do they have the truth of the matter. I AM LOVED and ACCEPTED by the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. That feels pretty dern good…..
Today God used my past. I have always wondered if God could really use my past to help someone, or if it was something better left alone. I was raised super religious, but fell off the wagon in my junior year of high school. My lifestyle was very similar to that of the girls on Sex and the City. If you have seen the show, you would understand. To this day, I feel that my life was much more glamorous and exciting than now. I struggle with the longing to be that confident, crazy girl once again. Now, I want to use that confidence for the Lord, but you can’t go back. Ever since I left that lifestyle, I have longed for God to use it. There are so many girls and women out there who have bought into this world view. It is a lie, it will never make you happy. Oh, it may be fun, but there is no joy in the morning. I found a book today called Sex and the City Uncovered. It is written by a a girl who has been there. She is now studying at Southwestern Seminary. Her book is like reading about my past, and about my redemption. This just seems to be a confirmation, that God can use a past like mine. “Therefore, there is now no more condemnation for those in Christ Jesus,”, is one of my favorite verses. Here I have been condemning myself, and believing that no one would ever want me to speak about such things, and God was already using someone in this way. I always thought these super Christians here at Seminary, would be appalled to know the real me. I am kind of salty, and we are called to be the salt of the earth. Hee hee. Okay, that wasn’t exactly what it was saying. You know I came here to find out how God could use me, and to learn more about him, and yet I feel I am learning more from my sickness and through people, than I will ever learn in class. The Lord works in mysterious ways. P.S. In case you were wondering which Sex and the City girl I am like, it’s Samantha. Now I am more of a Charlotte.keep looking »