. */ # Known/outstanding issues: # [COSMETIC] If the ping services list is empty, the log file will report "not pinging services - disabled by administrator" even if pinging is enabled. # adds an options page to the options menu function SUP_add_options_page() { if(function_exists("add_options_page")) add_options_page("UP Smart Update Pinger", "UP Smart Update Pinger", 5, basename(__FILE__), "SUP_show_options_page"); } # shows the options page function SUP_show_options_page() { global $logfile; $ping = get_option("SUP_ping"); $pinglog = get_option("SUP_pinglog"); $uris = get_option("ping_sites"); $forcedpings = false; $SUP_output_log=''; $pingservicesnow = "Ping Services Now!"; $deletelogfile = "Delete Log File"; if(isset($_POST["ping"]) && $_POST["ping"] == $pingservicesnow){ $forcedpings = true; SUP_log(SUP_ping_services($forcedpings).strftime("%D %T")."\tForced pinging services (Homepage)\n\t─────\n"); }elseif(isset($_POST["submit"])){ $uris = $_POST["uris"]; $ping = 0; if($_POST["ping"] == 1) $ping = 1; $pinglog = 0; if($_POST["pinglog"] == 1) $pinglog = 1; update_option("SUP_ping", $ping); update_option("SUP_pinglog", $pinglog); update_option("ping_sites", $uris); echo '

Options saved.

'; }elseif(isset($_POST["delete"]) && $_POST["delete"] == $deletelogfile){ $fh = @fopen($logfile, "w"); if(false === @fwrite($fh, strftime("%D %T")."\tLog file deleted\n\t─────\n")){ update_option("SUP_error", 1); }else{ update_option("SUP_error", 0); } @fclose($fh); } $checked1 = ''; if($ping == 1) $checked1 = 'checked="checked"'; $checked2 = ''; if($pinglog == 1) $checked2 = 'checked="checked"'; echo '

Ultimate Plugins Smart Update Pinger

Click here for installation instructions

Click here for usage instructions

Click here for updated versions

Click here for comments and suggestions

URIs to Ping

The following services will automatically be pinged/notified when you publish normal or future timestamped posts. Not when you edit previously published posts, as WordPress does by default.

This plugin also fixes an issue with the default extended ping programming in Wordpress and pre-2.1 versions of Smart Update Pinger (it now includes the url of the new post).

NB: this list is synchronized with the original update services list.

Separate multiple service URIs with line breaks:

Ping log

These are the last 100 actions performed by the plugin. In reverse chronological order for easier reading (latest ping first).

'; SUP_get_last_log_entries(500); echo '

'; } # telling WordPress to ping if the post is new, but not if it's just been edited function SUP_ping_if_new($id){ global $wpdb, $post_title; $SUP_output_log="\t─────\n"; $SUP_ping_result=''; $forcedpings = false; if(get_option('SUP_ping') == 1 and get_option('ping_sites') != ""){ # fetches data directly from database; the function "get_post" is cached, # and using it here will get the post as is was before the last save $row = mysql_fetch_array(mysql_query( "SELECT post_date,post_modified,post_title,guid FROM $wpdb->posts WHERE id=$id")); # if time when created equals time when modified it is a new post, # otherwise the author has edited/modified it if(!$row["post_title"]){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\tNOT Pinging services (ERROR: YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN TO ENTER A POST TITLE) ...\n".$SUP_output_log; }else{ if($row["post_date"] == $row["post_modified"]){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\tPinging services (New normal post: “".$row["post_title"]."”) ...\n".$SUP_output_log; $SUP_output_log=SUP_ping_services($forcedpings,$row["guid"]).$SUP_output_log; # Try commenting the line above, and uncommenting this line below if pinging seems to be out of order. Please notify the author if it helps! # generic_ping(); }else{ // Post has been edited or it's a future post // If we have a post title it means that we are in the normal WP loop and therefore it was an edit (not a future post) if($post_title){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\tNOT Pinging services (Existing post was edited: “".$row["post_title"]."”) ...\n".$SUP_output_log; }else{ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\tPinging services (New timestamped post: “".$row["post_title"]."”) ...\n".$SUP_output_log; $SUP_output_log=SUP_ping_services($forcedpings,$row["guid"]).$SUP_output_log; # Try commenting the line above, and uncommenting this line below if pinging seems to be out of order. Please notify the author if it helps! # generic_ping(); } } } }else{ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\tNOT Pinging services (WARNING: DISABLED BY ADMINISTRATOR)\n".$SUP_output_log; } SUP_log($SUP_output_log); } # More or less a copy of WP's "generic_ping" from functions.php, # but uses another function to send the actual XML-RPC messages. function SUP_ping_services($forcedpings,$SUP_guid = '') { $SUP_output_log=''; #$services = get_settings('ping_sites'); #UP - 17.07.07 - get_option is newer/better then get_settings $services = get_option('ping_sites'); $services = preg_replace("|(\s)+|", '$1', $services); // Kill dupe lines $services = trim($services); if ( '' != $services ) { $services = explode("\n", $services); foreach ($services as $service) $SUP_output_log=SUP_send_xmlrpc($forcedpings,$SUP_guid,$service).$SUP_output_log; } return $SUP_output_log; } # A slightly modified version of the WordPress built-in ping functionality ("weblog_ping" in functions.php). # Original version: #function weblog_ping($server = '', $path = '') { #global $wp_version; #include_once(ABSPATH . WPINC . '/class-IXR.php'); #// using a timeout of 3 seconds should be enough to cover slow servers #$client = new IXR_Client($server, ((!strlen(trim($path)) || ('/' == $path)) ? false : $path)); #$client->timeout = 3; #$client->useragent .= ' -- WordPress/'.$wp_version; #// when set to true, this outputs debug messages by itself #$client->debug = false; #$home = trailingslashit( get_option('home') ); #if ( !$client->query('weblogUpdates.extendedPing', get_option('blogname'), $home, get_bloginfo('rss2_url') ) ) // then try a normal ping #$client->query('weblogUpdates.ping', get_option('blogname'), $home); #} # This one uses correct extendedPing format (WP does not), and logs response from service. function SUP_send_xmlrpc($forcedpings,$SUP_guid = '',$server = '', $path = '') { global $wp_version; $SUP_output_log=''; include_once (ABSPATH . WPINC . '/class-IXR.php'); // using a timeout of 5 seconds should be enough to cover slow servers (changed from 3 to 5) $client = new IXR_Client($server, ((!strlen(trim($path)) || ('/' == $path)) ? false : $path)); $client->timeout = 5; $client->useragent .= ' -- WordPress/'.$wp_version; // when set to true, this outputs debug messages by itself $client->debug = false; $home = trailingslashit( get_option('home') ); # The extendedPing format should be "blog name", "blog url", "check url" (the new URL), and "feed url". # Related Website(s) # http://www.weblogs.com/api.html # An example: # Someblog - Title # http://spaces.msn.com/someblog - Home URL # http://spaces.msn.com/someblog/PersonalSpace.aspx?something - Check/New URL # http://spaces.msn.com/someblog/feed.rss - Feed # Changed the following line therefore: # if($client->query('weblogUpdates.extendedPing', get_settings('blogname'), $home, get_bloginfo('rss2_url'), get_bloginfo('rss2_url'))) if ($forcedpings){ # If this is a forced ping it's better to use a regular ping for the homepage without an update URL (safer) if($client->query('weblogUpdates.ping', get_option('blogname'), $home)){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t► [Regular Ping] ".$server." was successfully pinged\n".$SUP_output_log; if (get_option('SUP_pinglog') == 1){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t►► Blogname: '".get_option('blogname')."'\n".$SUP_output_log; $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t►► Homepage: '".$home."'\n".$SUP_output_log; } }else{ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t► ".$server." could not be pinged. Error message: “".$client->error->message."”\n".$SUP_output_log; } }else{ if($client->query('weblogUpdates.extendedPing', get_option('blogname'), $home, $SUP_guid, get_bloginfo('rss2_url'))){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t► [Extended Ping] ".$server." was successfully pinged\n".$SUP_output_log; if (get_option('SUP_pinglog') == 1){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t►► Blogname: '".get_option('blogname')."'\n".$SUP_output_log; $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t►► Homepage: '".$home."'\n".$SUP_output_log; $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t►► Updated : '".$SUP_guid."'\n".$SUP_output_log; $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t►► RSS URL : '".get_bloginfo('rss2_url')."'\n".$SUP_output_log; } }else{ # pinging was unsuccessful, trying regular ping format if($client->query('weblogUpdates.ping', get_option('blogname'), $home)){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t► [Regular Ping] ".$server." was successfully pinged\n".$SUP_output_log; if (get_option('SUP_pinglog') == 1){ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t►► Blogname: '".get_option('blogname')."'\n".$SUP_output_log; $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t►► Homepage: '".$home."'\n".$SUP_output_log; } }else{ $SUP_output_log=strftime("%D %T")."\t► ".$server." could not be pinged. Error message: “".$client->error->message."”\n".$SUP_output_log; } } } return $SUP_output_log; } $post_title = ""; # Receives the title of the post from a filter below function SUP_post_title($title){ global $post_title; $post_title = $title; return $title; } # Log $logfile = ABSPATH . 'wp-content/plugins/ultimate-plugins-smart-update-pinger/ultimate-plugins-smart-update-pinger.log'; function SUP_log($SUP_log_output) { global $logfile; $logerror = 0; $fh = @fopen($logfile, "a"); if(false === @fwrite($fh, $SUP_log_output)){ update_option("SUP_error", 1); }else{ update_option("SUP_error", 0); } @fclose($fh); } function SUP_get_last_log_entries($num) { global $logfile; $lines = @file($logfile); if(get_option("SUP_error") == 1){ $fh = @fopen($logfile, "a"); if(false === @fwrite($fh, "")){ echo "Error writing log file (".$logfile."). Most likely your logfile (".$logfile.") is write-protected and no log data can be saved (change the rights of this file to 777), or alternatively this could mean that you have manually removed the log file, or that you have changed the directory or file name of the plugin (they both should be 'ultimate-plugins-smart-update-pinger')"; }else{ // Original: $lines = array_slice($lines, count($lines) - $num); // Modified to show in reverse order (easier for reading) $lines = array_reverse(array_slice($lines, count($lines) - $num)); $msg = ""; foreach($lines as $line){ $msg.=trim($line)."
"; } echo $msg; } @fclose($fh); }else{ if($lines === false){ echo "Error reading log file (".$logfile."). Most likely you have manually removed the log file, or alternatively this could mean that the logfile (".$logfile.") is read-protected (change the rights of this file to 777), or that you have changed the directory or file name of the plugin (they both should be 'ultimate-plugins-smart-update-pinger')"; }else{ // Original: $lines = array_slice($lines, count($lines) - $num); // Modified to show in reverse order (easier for reading) $lines = array_reverse(array_slice($lines, count($lines) - $num)); $msg = ""; foreach($lines as $line){ $msg.=trim($line)."
"; } echo $msg; } } } # ----- # adds a filter to receive the title of the post before publishing add_filter("title_save_pre", "SUP_post_title"); # adds some hooks # shows the options in the administration panel add_action("admin_menu", "SUP_add_options_page"); # calls SUP_ping whenever a post is published add_action("publish_post", "SUP_ping_if_new"); # calls SUP_ping_draft when changing the status from private/draft to published # add_action("private_to_published', 'SUP_ping_draft'); # removes the "WordPress official" pinging hook remove_action("publish_post", "generic_ping"); # activates pinging if setting doesn't exist in database yet # (before the user has changed the settings the first time) if(get_option("SUP_ping") === false) { update_option("SUP_ping", 1); } if(get_option("SUP_pinglog") === false) { update_option("SUP_pinglog", 1); } if(get_option("SUP_error") === false) { update_option("SUP_error", 0); } ?> Emotions | The Diary Of An Infertile Woman

Reasons for adopting

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I am actually writing a paper for school right now on adopting inter racial children.  I’ll have to let ya’ll know what I find out and what I think.  However, I’ve been reading other people’s blogs about adoption, and they are all about the children.  Right now, it is all about me and my desire for kids, and my rights.  I realize that if I am going to adopt, I need to look at this completely different.  There is no way, I can survive the process without becoming bitter, without the proper attitude.  My reasons for adopting can very much affect the process.  So why do I really want to adopt?  To be honest, I do not even want to right now.  I was not willing to go through fertility treatments for long, what makes me think I can handle the adoption process.  Yet, there is this part of me, deep down inside, that knows this is right for us.  Do I really want to be a Mother, or was it because everyone else had children?  I just can not picture myself being a Mommy and being so unselfish, and yet I know deep down I could do it.  I am completely lacking in faith right now.  I am scared to even think for long about the future, because I can not imagine that I have one.  I am so avoiding everything.  But when I think very long about my surgery and afterwards, I get weak kneed, terrified, and break out in a cold sweat.  I can’t think of all that right now.  I can only focus on this surgery.  Then after the surgery, I will do my best to get well, and to get financially stable.  Then I’ll think about adoption.  I just need a little break.  However, I had to have a topic for my paper, and I wanted it to be something I was interested in.  Perhaps working on this paper, will give me a new thought process.

Slippin’

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Between the excitement of moving, new appliances, and the hope of being pain free, I about lost it. I had a teensy weensy breakdown, okay, so it was a full on panic attack. What brought this on? Oh I don’t know, maybe the fact that I am completely overwhelmed with all of the big changes in my life. Or perhaps, it is the fact that I am terrified of surgery. I think I am going to die on that table. Or it could be I am devastated I will never be pregnant, and have a child like that. Or it could be the fact that I am avoiding everything and everyone. I am only seeking my comfort, and am running from anything to do with God. I could not breathe. I could not stop crying, and I was completely irrational. I feel like my world is completely spinning out of control. Debt, infertility, pain, surgery, failing at school, no job, and the list goes on and on. Garon, my beautiful husband, believes it is a spiritual problem and has nothing to do with my circumstances. He wants me to talk to someone again. I am not seeing a counselor anymore, but I feel I need to talk to a female. I have felt constant fear and loss of control for over a week now, maybe longer. To be continued…

Not a Rant

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My husband was concerned that my last few posts did not show me thinking the way God wants me to. I do not want this to be me just ranting all the time. However, in the past few days, I have realized that there were some things I have yet to deal with completely. I just wanted to get those feelings out first of all. It is hard when I am trying to put my thoughts into words, to see things immediately the way God would want me to. I have been so hurt in the past, by my own mistakes and by others. I realize that this blog is mainly about infertility and chronic pain, but it has also been a process of healing for me. It has done wonders to my faith, and has helped me to deal with the pain of infertility, so why could it not help me with other spiritual problems as well? In some ways, I feel confused and think I will never be the woman God wants me to be. In others, I feel my faith is growing bit by bit. I watched a video today of that new author I like Marian Jordan. She was talking about the verse in the Bible, where it says we are a new creation. Here it is: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new is come!” 2 Cor. 5:17. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am a new creation. Those of you who know me now, would not have recognized me before. (That doesn’t make sense, but you know what I mean.) My husband tells me how proud he is of me and how far I have come. I have been redeemed and for a purpose. I was trying to explain to my husband why and what I feel called to in ministry. A lot of times in ministry the surface is only addressed. People feel uncomfortable to get too deep into others problems. I have noticed that because people are always uncomfortable when my divorce is mentioned, or my infertility is mentioned, or my hysterectomy is mentioned, or even my past. We are called to help the hurting. First we are to tell them the Gospel, and then we are to disciple. That is where I come in. I became a Christian at the age of ten, but I had not a clue what that meant for my every day life. For years, my Christianity was compartmentalized in a box and did not touch or apply to my other life. New Christians desperately need to know how to think the way God wants them to think about things, and to be obedient to His word. It is so easy as a new Christian to continue on trucking like you were before, but to give lip service to Christ on Sundays. I’m not saying they live in sin, but they struggle. I know because I did for at least fifteen years. I feel that God is calling me to be real with those who are hurting and struggling. People have serious issues and serious problems. They do not want to hear trite phrases. They want to know that God understands their deepest darkest feelings and that He has the answers, that He can and will help them. If that means I bring up taboo subjects, then so be it. I want to be accepted by my peers so bad, but I am learning that I do not fit in. I do not fit in with the partyers, because I do not want to live in sin. I do not fit in with the righteous, because I still feel sometimes like I did back then. I struggle and I sin. I do not want to. (You know what Paul says.) Please do not feel that I say the things I do to be offensive, I just want to be me.

Rejection

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We have all faced this at some period in our lives.  Whether it was in our childhood or our adult lives, the wounds tend to live on.  The ultimate form of rejection for me was my exhusband (I hate using the term exhusband.  He does not deserve that title.  So I’ll just call him Bradley.)  divorcing me.  I felt like he was saying, “You are not good enough.”  This spills over into my marriage now.  I am extremely insecure in my husband’s love.  My husband is not one to gush with words anyways, but he does tell me he loves me a lot.  However, I can never hear it enough.  We married under strange circumstances.  People thought I just wanted a man, but I did not really want a man at that time.  I just could not help but want him, Garon.  So as you can see, this rejection has tainted my present and probably my future.  I am pretty much now an approval junkie.  Before I met Bradley, I was very confident.  If people did not like me, I thought, so what, that’s their problem.  Now, I can not stand for any one to not like me or approve of me.  Can I blame Bradley for doing this to me?  Probably not, but it did make a difference in my life.  When a person vows to love and cherish you til death do you part, it’s quite a blow for them to say they never loved you.  What did I do that was so wrong, for him to renig on a promise?  Was it that bad living with me?  Am I that annoying?  As you can see, I am probably still a wee bit bitter on this topic.  I know these feelings still control me.  The first six months of my marriage to Garon were very hard on him.  He was trying to undo all the torment that Bradley put me through.  For a guy to be willing to take on all my baggage, it had to be God.  I chose to love my first husband, and perhaps I married him for all the wrong reasons (security, family, children, thought I couldn’t do any better, and so on).  But I do believe that I could have made that marriage work, and that God could have redeemed it.  I know that I was not the perfect wife, and I know that I did not handle everything correctly, but does that give him a reason to toss me out, like yesterday’s garbage?  I’m like a credit card that has been maxed out.  Rejected!  I’ve been reading a lot about seeking fulfillment in a man or in anything else for that matter.  I know now that I have always sought to feel whole through relationships.  Only God can fill this ache, and this huge hole in my heart.  The problem is, how do I trust him to fill it?

A Dirty Word

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Hysterectomy is a dirty word. That is the way a lot of people treat it. You can just see the little wheels turning in people’s brains when you say it. Then come the pitying looks and conversation comes to a grinding halt. Everyone is afraid of talking about it and upsetting you. Now, not all people are like that. Especially the women who have had one. Those women do not act strange. The people who act the strangest are the pregnant women. I am okay with having a hysterectomy. I am choosing to have one, to raise my quality of living. It is okay. People do not want to talk about it. This is my life, it is happening to me, I want to talk about it. I am not thrilled that I am having to do this, but I am okay with it. Let’s hang out and be normal, and not act like there is an elephant in the room. I know they love me, and are trying to be my friend. But I feel like I do not have any friends, because no one will talk to me about their pregnancies or my hysterectomy. All we do anymore, is make small talk. I HATE small talk. To be from the South, and small towns, I’d rather just get to the point, the meat of the conversation. Although talking about the weather, is alright sometimes. Just don’t ask me about my Momma. That was a joke. Please help me to feel as normal as possible. I do not feel uncomfortable and like an outcast until people act weird about my life. It is like people think I have the bubonic plague. It is not contagious. I am not able to have children, and am having some organs removed. So what? I have a great life. Or at least I did, until people started treating me with kid gloves. Okay, I’m sorry, I’m on it tonight. Just letting off a little steam. This is MY diary after all. You know what I believe is a true friend? Someone I can utterly be myself with. A person who doesn’t care whether I talk or don’t want to talk. Who doesn’t care what I talk about, and makes me always feel comfortable. As I said earlier, I am not good with small talk. I want to know about your life. What makes you tick? What are you afraid of? How do you feel? What do you want out of life? What are your dreams and your hopes? Why are we all so shallow these days? I feel like I’m in the Great Gatsby novel.

Victim Mentality

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Do I have a victim mentality? Probably. I started this blog to inform others about my life now. I started it because no one could understand why I could not do the things I used to. No one understood why I was in bed all the time, and why I missed church and school. I had people telling me to go get a job, and stop whining. Like that was a viable solution. I have been in pain every day since last August. Before I moved here, I was in pain one to two weeks a month. My former co workers never understood and never believed me. They said I was a hypochondriac. Because I look healthy on the outside, and have gotten good at pushing myself, no one could understand my sickness. I take Loratabs just to go to the store, church, or out to dinner with friends. It is hard to even do the fun things, much less without pain killers. For the past year, I have pushed myself, to continue having a normal life. I am not lying, I am not pretending, and I am not whining. What I would give to be able to go someplace without pain killers. What I would give to be able to go for a walk with my husband. I can not exercise anymore due to the wooziness and headaches from the medicine. Yet, if I do not take the medicine, I can not get out of bed without extreme pain. I lay in bed all day long now. I am usually able to do two or three things a day. Sometimes it is cook a meal, sometimes it is go to a store, and sometimes it is to make love to my husband. That may have been too much information, but this is my diary after all. I want a normal life again. I want to work and come home to fix dinner. I want my husband to be proud of me. I want to have self respect. I read all the time. Fiction books, so I can escape and feel like I have a life. My books take me all around the world, and make my life exciting. The flip side is, they bring home the fact that I have no life anymore. My life is spent in my room, lying on a heating pad that makes me sweat. (That was sexy.) After my divorce to my ex husband, I promised myself that I would never let myself go ever again. I said that I would have a life of my own making, whether or not things went like I thought. During the divorce, I was so depressed, I just laid in bed, watched movies, and read. Never again I told myself. Do I continue to push myself whether I am in pain or not? Or do I give in to my limitations and glorify God? What does God want from me? Does he want me to be strong and endure, or does he want me to accept my lot? Am I to push? Or let go?

“I Pity the Fool”

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That was probably a strange title for my first post in a while. I have not felt like writing for a while, because my thoughts are not really coherent right now. I have had so much going through my mind since deciding to have my operation. Apprehension and a strange mix of joy and hope for the future. I just know this is what God is telling me to do, no matter what happens. Although, I am well aware there are people who will never understand, and who think I am crazy. I have had people say I will regret this, and yet others say it was the best thing they ever did. I’ve been thinking about pride and pity a lot lately. I am probably one of the proudest people you will ever meet. I have always had a problem with authority. Yet, I share everything that flits through my mind. Those two are kind of strange attributes and cause a lot of angst on my part. I do not want people to pity me, and yet I want others to know the pain I am feeling. Then I feel shame and embarrassment for sharing my heart and soul, and yet I can not stop, nor do I want to. That quote up above is from Mr. T, of the A Team fame. I used to love that show as a kid. So I guess what I am trying to say, is it is foolish for me to tell others my deepest darkest secrets, and yet hate their pity. I know people love me and just want to be there for me. I am so thankful for everyone, and yet I am so embarrassed that they know my weaknesses. I know that in the Bible it says, that in our weaknesses he is made strong, but secretly I want others to see me as strong. I want all of the glory, not Christ to have it. Pitiful isn’t it? This life is not about me, but about Him, and yet I want it to be all about me. I want people to respect and love me. I always have. I used to spend a ton of time on fashion and working out, so that people would see me in a certain way. Being sick, is very hard on the ego. I do not feel well enough to do anything, much less work out and wear makeup all the time. Then I worry, that I have let myself go. Silly huh? Not worth thinking about, in the grand scheme of things. The Bible says we are to think on things above, and things that are noble and true. The world says that people respect and like beautiful and successful things. If I am not beautiful or successful, then what am I worth? I can not work right now, and that is driving me nutts. My whole life I have built my self worth on good grades, a nice body, and great hair. :) Otherwise, how can I hold my head up high? What does God think about these things? To be continued…

A New Member of the Hyster Sisters

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I know it has been a while since I have written. I am full of so many emotions, I can not even put words too. We were in kind of a limbo waiting for this last doctor’s appointment, trying to work through all of our feelings about a hysterectomy, or so I thought.

I am having a hysterectomy, July 8.

As I was getting ready to sign the consent form, my husband starts getting nervous. He said that he had not thought of the emotional ramifications until then. I had asked him a long time ago, how he felt about this. He says that guys do not think of the emotions, they think things through logically. Needless, to say this made me a little nervous. I think it just finally hit him, what a big decision this is. But I was already past that point, and determined. Later on he said, “I know this is the right thing to do, I just did not realize how it would affect me emotionally.” Bless his heart, guys are weird. Women think things through at every angle, and nuance. I have been thinking for a long time, how this decision would affect my life in every way. Even though I am nervous as hell (sorry for the language), I am resolved and beyond doubting. When I signed the consent form however, it became very real and I muttered an expletive in my head. I do not curse at all, so this obviously shows that I was beyond words, the dirty word I used just summed up the situation perfectly. I think God understood. This is what we want, but it is hard to assimilate. Garon said, “I know this is what we need to do, but I hate the fact that this is how we have to go about it.” I have been calling friends, and asking them about their hysterectomies, and it just feels like more confirmation. The minute we got into the doctor’s office, she went straight into surgical mode, and did not even mention the other methods. It made me realize that she thinks it’s time too. My life is about to be completely changed, but I feel for the better. This feels huge. Okay, I’m really struggling to put into words how I feel. The procedure is an abdominal hysterectomy. They are going in through my stomach, which takes longer to heal from. It is the only way, she can get it all out (the endometriosis). She will takes my tubes, uterus, ovaries, and cervix. This is because I have had precancerous cells in my cervix in the past. I was concerned about my organs being jostled around with nothing in there, but she says the organs just go into place and fill the holes up. I will be on hormones the rest of my life. So with much trepidation, I am going to go and think some more. Keep tuned, because I am sure I will have lots to say on this subject. :)

Biology

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Garon and I had a long talk last night and today about having our own biological children, the reason why is because of the last post. I was in extreme pain last night, and this morning, so we had to decide if we should push me physically hard, so that we can start our treatment. I could barely get out of bed, much less travel two hours. However, I felt that if either one of us was desperate to have biological children I would do what it took to get there, even though I was hurting tremendously. A few months ago, Garon and I had decided to only do three treatments instead of four because of the pain I was going through. Then we found our new doctor, and she gave us enough medicine to keep going. So we decided to do four, well, when the doctor said he wanted to do the injectibles, we realized it would depend on our insurance. So when we found out that insurance covered it, we thought why not. That was before we found out that I would have to go to Cinci frequently to be monitored. That is very expensive, (with gas), but we thought we could do it. Then the nurse told me I had to come in that very next day, well usually when I do treatments I am in pain, but I am able to bear it during travel, and the appointment. However, it has never been at the peak of my pain. Last night, we knew it would be difficult to travel today, so we decided to see how important this is to us, and what God wanted us to do, so we prayed. Now, a lot of people would say this is a no brainer, that children are the most important thing, family is. We have already talked in a prior post about my definition of family. So if family is the most important thing, and Garon and I are already family, so what matters is how we feel. We do not feel that we have to have biological children. We are sad, but feel that we could love an adopted child just as much. That child would be our own. Garon could still teach it everything he knows, and I could still love on it. There are no guarantees in life. Our children can go wrong, whether they are related biologically or not. We are adopted children of God, do you think he loves us any less, than the Jews? Heck no! We have enough medicine to get us through two more months, so if we decide after this month for another go, we can still do one more month. That is why we went ahead, and decided to stay home today. This was a very hard decision, but none the less the right one for us. At this time, we do not feel led to continue with treatments. This is a rational decision, even though I was a little upset in the last post. We definitely want to adopt after we get done with school. That is another reason why we both have dropped down to Masters of Arts. We want to finish quickly so we can pay off our debt, and start our family. I know most people would find adoption way more risky than fertility treatments, because no one can take your biological children away, but this is what we want. We have too great a desire for children, for God not to have a purpose in this. The funny thing is, even though I always wanted biological children, I always wanted to adopt too. Even if I were fertile, I would still want to adopt. There are too many orphans out there, and we are called to help the widows and the orphans. But that isn’t the only reason, I have all this love inside that is ready to burst, and it wants to lavish itself on a child that needs it more than anyone. Others may not understand, but I have wanted a child for over four years now, and I am tired. I am ready to move on. I am not the type of person, to go back and forth, nor do I have that luxury. If my health were not bad, Garon and I would just take a break and then try again later. However, we physically can not do that. That makes me think that maybe just maybe God has a better plan. You may think what could be better than your own biological children? Well, let’s just wait and see.

A Very Merry UnMother’s Day To Me, Not really

Filed Under Emotions, Info, Spiritual, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

About five years ago, Lifetime showed a movie about a woman obsessed with her infertility. Delta Burke played the woman. At the time, I remember thinking, I never want to be like that. If I can not have kids, I just won’t have kids. I won’t let it bother me like that. In the movie, Delta Burke goes psycho and even tries to kidnap someone else’s baby, but her emotions are pretty much par, I know I have probably even said some of the things she had said. So today, I decide to go to church on Mother’s Day, because I felt like I was being selfish and making a big deal out of nothing. I thought I had dealt with all of my feelings, and did not want to miss hanging out with my friends. I get there and the first thing in the door, a greeter tells me Happy Mother’s Day. He must have seen the look on my face, because he then said, Oh, not yet? I just smiled, I know he meant nothing by it. So I just let it go, but couldn’t help feeling sardonic. The night before a friend in our Sunday School class whom I thought weren’t even close to having kids, told me she was pregnant. I felt a sucker punch to my stomach. I was so angry, even at her. I hated it. She is a sweet person. So I go into Sunday School, and she’s there, but I try not to think about it. (She really is a great person, it has nothing to do with her, but what she has that I want.) Then during service, Dr. Cook says a nice prayer for all the people who had no children but wanted them, and for all those who had lost their Mother’s. That was nice, but then they showed this video of children with bible verses and babies on it. I looked everywhere but at the screen. I wanted to run screaming out of there. Next, they had seven babies and their families come up for the baby dedication. It was short, but I felt I was coming out of my skin. The sermon thankfully was about evangelism, but then I felt condemned because I have been so sick, I can not work and I never see non Christians. So I’m about to cry, because of my circumstances. Our friends invite us to lunch, so we head to W.W. Cousins to eat, which I love. The friend who is preggers now comes too, and some other couples. I sit beside the friend and purpose in my heart to be a friend. Then the other couple across from us, whom we hang out with all the time, and who just started trying (kind of), starts talking about expecting. I sputtered. I asked if they were pregnant. They apologize and sympathetically tell me, they thought I knew. Apparently, I was the only one who didn’t, and they seemed scared to tell me. I could just see the pity in their eyes. I wanted to burst into tears and run from the table, but I didn’t. I wanted to share in her excitement, because she’s a really cool girl too, but I was dying inside. The first pregger friend, said they had tried for six months and were starting to worry. We didn’t worry until the third year, were we stupid? And how hard is it to try for six months? If they were worried, think about how worried I am after three years and two months, and a year trying with my ex. I had cried the whole way to the restaurant, and then I cried the whole way home. That morning I was trying to be strong, and so I was singing the song “A Very Merry UnBirthday to me, to you” from Alice in Wonderland at the Mad Hatters Tea, was instead substituting, “A Very Merry UnMother’s Day to Me”. I was trying to make the best of a bad situation. When I got home from church it was like my heart was breaking I cried so hard, I was practically choking. My husband put me to bed. Then I realized that I had to call my Mother, it was her special day. I couldn’t ruin it for her. So I put on a happy face and voice, and called her. She didn’t realize what was going on. I do not think she understands what I am going through. I know the universe, and this holiday does not revolve around me. I know it is not all about me. I know everyone does not exist to make me happy. But I’m hurting so bad, why can’t they see it? Why does it have to be so hard for me? Why can’t I be like everyone else? Through my tears, I kept asking these questions, and saying, “It’s not fair!”. I know that’s wrong. During church, I started feeling bad, having hot flashes and a headache. In the restaurant, I started cramping. Then I take a nap this afternoon, and I wake up and guess who was here? Aunt Flo. Isn’t that ironic? The day I thought I was going to find out I was pregnant, Mother’s Day, is the day that I have to start. Bah Humbug!!!!!!! Whatever.

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