A New Member of the Hyster Sisters
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I know it has been a while since I have written. I am full of so many emotions, I can not even put words too. We were in kind of a limbo waiting for this last doctor’s appointment, trying to work through all of our feelings about a hysterectomy, or so I thought.
I am having a hysterectomy, July 8.
As I was getting ready to sign the consent form, my husband starts getting nervous. He said that he had not thought of the emotional ramifications until then. I had asked him a long time ago, how he felt about this. He says that guys do not think of the emotions, they think things through logically. Needless, to say this made me a little nervous. I think it just finally hit him, what a big decision this is. But I was already past that point, and determined. Later on he said, “I know this is the right thing to do, I just did not realize how it would affect me emotionally.” Bless his heart, guys are weird. Women think things through at every angle, and nuance. I have been thinking for a long time, how this decision would affect my life in every way. Even though I am nervous as hell (sorry for the language), I am resolved and beyond doubting. When I signed the consent form however, it became very real and I muttered an expletive in my head. I do not curse at all, so this obviously shows that I was beyond words, the dirty word I used just summed up the situation perfectly. I think God understood. This is what we want, but it is hard to assimilate. Garon said, “I know this is what we need to do, but I hate the fact that this is how we have to go about it.” I have been calling friends, and asking them about their hysterectomies, and it just feels like more confirmation. The minute we got into the doctor’s office, she went straight into surgical mode, and did not even mention the other methods. It made me realize that she thinks it’s time too. My life is about to be completely changed, but I feel for the better. This feels huge. Okay, I’m really struggling to put into words how I feel. The procedure is an abdominal hysterectomy. They are going in through my stomach, which takes longer to heal from. It is the only way, she can get it all out (the endometriosis). She will takes my tubes, uterus, ovaries, and cervix. This is because I have had precancerous cells in my cervix in the past. I was concerned about my organs being jostled around with nothing in there, but she says the organs just go into place and fill the holes up. I will be on hormones the rest of my life. So with much trepidation, I am going to go and think some more. Keep tuned, because I am sure I will have lots to say on this subject. 
Need Prayer
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Please pray for my doctor’s appointment on the thirtieth of May. We are going to discuss our options with the doctor, and we just want to all be on the same page. We want to have peace, and for the doctor to have peace about what we decide on. We want God’s will to be done, so we definitely need wisdom and discernment, the doctor too. Thank you.
Fostering
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I am feeling great trepidation as I decide where to begin. Perhaps I should start with the fact that we are pretty sure, we are through with fertility treatments. Unless, the doctor totally convinces us otherwise, we want to be finished. I got a doctor’s appointment with my OB/GYN for the thirtieth of May. We intend to go in there, and discuss a hysterectomy. We aim to have one at the end of June, after we move into our new apartment. Then in late July, I will be able to look for a job. That is just a tentative plan, it all depends on what the doctor has to say. I have been doing research and have spoken with a friend in her early thirties, who had a hysterectomy at my age. She had the same problems I have, and said that her health improved 500%. Crazy huh? She has no regrets. I also have a friend in her sixties, whom I am going to call and see what she thinks. She also had these problems, and had a hysterectomy at the age of twenty eight. She has said in the past, that she does not regret it, only wishes she had done it sooner. So the Lord, has put a few people in my life who have been there, to encourage me. Then lately, everywhere I go people are talking about foster care. My chiropractor brought it up the other day, and asked me if I was interested. He knew I had problems conceiving. He gave me his wife’s number to call. The other day while waiting for my appointment with the pastor’s wife, I met a couple who were doing foster care. They felt like they were through, but they had hoped to adopt, and they had already had a few children. The chiropractor and his wife received infants, that they adopted, who are now teenagers. They also have just received a six year old for fostering toward adoption. I know it would be hard. Please do not tell me how hard this would be, I am well aware of the ramifications. However, my husband and I are in debt, and this could be the only way for us to experience parenthood. Not only that, this may very well be God’s calling on my life. I know I can get dreadfully attached, but why not give it a shot? When God could very well bless us with a child to adopt? If not, then we will know, and feel that we have at least tried. We do not know if this would be feasible while we are in school, we are just researching our options right now. We know we want children, but we are aware that they probably will not be our biological children, and we are fine with that. I cry at random times, while cooking, and while setting the alarm clock, (weird huh?) but I feel at peace. Truly.
A Lesson That Must Be Learned
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The server has been down, that is why I have not written in a while. It was hit by lightning. I have learned that I am always trying to take control, and I have got to deal with that as soon as possible. Now that we have a plan in place for a hysterectomy and possibly adoption, I am running around doing a ton of research and worrying again. Whether I have an operation and whether or not I adopt, I have got to deal with this, or it will plague me for the rest of my life. I do not know how to stop or where to begin. In some ways, I believe that this is why I got sick to begin with, and if I do not deal with it now, and learn my lesson, there will be other lessons in the future. Why can I not learn my lesson? I am finally at peace that I may not have children, but now I am worried about the next step. I hate not knowing, and not having a plan. I want to wrap my life up in a box with a pretty little bow. I like to know things and take action, and God wants me to have faith. Faith is not being able to see the answers, but trusting in God anyways. I want to see! Lord, help me to only want what you have for me. Help me to avoid that comparison trap, and to trust you to provide all that is needed. I need your peace, I need your comfort, and most of all I need you. As we were taught in Sunday School, this past Sunday. Teach me how to live in the here and now, trusting in you. Help me not to always be concerned about a future destination, and to enjoy the journey. Thank you for all that you are teaching me and continue to teach me. I do not want to miss out on the lessons, for just an easy life. Forgive me for seeking only comfort. I love you and I praise you, for your ways are higher than mine, and your thoughts are greater than mine. You are truly a Great and Good God. In Jesus’ Holy name, Amen.
Biology
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Garon and I had a long talk last night and today about having our own biological children, the reason why is because of the last post. I was in extreme pain last night, and this morning, so we had to decide if we should push me physically hard, so that we can start our treatment. I could barely get out of bed, much less travel two hours. However, I felt that if either one of us was desperate to have biological children I would do what it took to get there, even though I was hurting tremendously. A few months ago, Garon and I had decided to only do three treatments instead of four because of the pain I was going through. Then we found our new doctor, and she gave us enough medicine to keep going. So we decided to do four, well, when the doctor said he wanted to do the injectibles, we realized it would depend on our insurance. So when we found out that insurance covered it, we thought why not. That was before we found out that I would have to go to Cinci frequently to be monitored. That is very expensive, (with gas), but we thought we could do it. Then the nurse told me I had to come in that very next day, well usually when I do treatments I am in pain, but I am able to bear it during travel, and the appointment. However, it has never been at the peak of my pain. Last night, we knew it would be difficult to travel today, so we decided to see how important this is to us, and what God wanted us to do, so we prayed. Now, a lot of people would say this is a no brainer, that children are the most important thing, family is. We have already talked in a prior post about my definition of family. So if family is the most important thing, and Garon and I are already family, so what matters is how we feel. We do not feel that we have to have biological children. We are sad, but feel that we could love an adopted child just as much. That child would be our own. Garon could still teach it everything he knows, and I could still love on it. There are no guarantees in life. Our children can go wrong, whether they are related biologically or not. We are adopted children of God, do you think he loves us any less, than the Jews? Heck no! We have enough medicine to get us through two more months, so if we decide after this month for another go, we can still do one more month. That is why we went ahead, and decided to stay home today. This was a very hard decision, but none the less the right one for us. At this time, we do not feel led to continue with treatments. This is a rational decision, even though I was a little upset in the last post. We definitely want to adopt after we get done with school. That is another reason why we both have dropped down to Masters of Arts. We want to finish quickly so we can pay off our debt, and start our family. I know most people would find adoption way more risky than fertility treatments, because no one can take your biological children away, but this is what we want. We have too great a desire for children, for God not to have a purpose in this. The funny thing is, even though I always wanted biological children, I always wanted to adopt too. Even if I were fertile, I would still want to adopt. There are too many orphans out there, and we are called to help the widows and the orphans. But that isn’t the only reason, I have all this love inside that is ready to burst, and it wants to lavish itself on a child that needs it more than anyone. Others may not understand, but I have wanted a child for over four years now, and I am tired. I am ready to move on. I am not the type of person, to go back and forth, nor do I have that luxury. If my health were not bad, Garon and I would just take a break and then try again later. However, we physically can not do that. That makes me think that maybe just maybe God has a better plan. You may think what could be better than your own biological children? Well, let’s just wait and see.
The Broken Road
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I am sure you are wondering if you have seen my play list, why I have all these suffering songs, and then God Blessed the Broken Road by Rascall Flats. I used to like country music, I’m not such a big fan anymore. I enjoy the older, more eclectic stuff. The reason why that song is there is because it is Garon and mine’s love song. Not because it is sappy, but because we lived it. I had been traveling a broken road when I met him. For the longest time, we did not have a song, but when I heard it I thought of him and where I’d been, and where I am now. I asked Garon about it, and he totally agreed. He thinks that kind of stuff is silly, but he likes to humor me. :) I miss singing in church, can you tell? My posts lately have been about music. I want to sing so badly, but am scared that again it is about me and not about the one I am singing to. There is a song I have been practicing lately, and it has awesome words. Would you humor me once again? Here are the words:
There’s a place of quiet stillness ‘tween the light and shadows reach
Where the hurting and the hopeless seek everlasting peace
Words of men and songs of angels whisper comfort bittersweet
Mending grief and life eternal where joy and sorrow meet
There is a place where hope remains
In crowns of thorns and crimson stains
And tears that fall on Jesus’ feet
Where joy and sorrow meet
There’s a place the lost surrender and the weary will retreat
Full of grace and mercy tender in times of unbelief
For the wounded there is healing, strength is given to the weak
Broken hearts find love redeeming where joy and sorrow meet
There’s a place of thirst and hunger where the roots of faith grow deep
And there is rain and rolling thunder when the road is rough and steep
There is hope in desperation there is victory in defeat
At the cross of restoration where joy and sorrow meet
This is stupid…why am I doing this?
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I just started so I had to call the doc to get started on next months meds. Because we are doing injectibles, I have to go to Cinci tomorrow, to make sure that my ovaries are “quiet”. Yep, that’s what they said, well I can tell you I am not a quiet person. Plus, I already produce eggs naturally, so why do I have to do this? The injectibles give us a greater chance, because they produce better and more eggs. I produce eggs, mine just aren’t implant. So what is the point with this? If my ovaries are not quiet, they can not give me the injectibles because it could hyperstimulate my ovaries which causes death. Fun huh? IS THIS WORTH IT? As usual, when I am stressed I binge shop books. I have already bought two and do not have the money!!!! Stupid Laura!!!!!! Oh well, at least it is credit, and I won’t starve this month. Stupid Laura. This is not worth it to me. My body is tired, my finances are tired, and I am mentally and emotionally tired. I QUIT!! Unless, Garon makes me I am through. Capice? I will have a nice little operation, and go on with my life. I do not have to have my own biological child to be happy. I have a great life, with an awesome guy, and I want to live! I want to be able to work, and study and be a wife to my husband. This is stupid, waiting around for something that may not even work, and that is already hurting us. I QUIT, did I say that already? I am FINISHED!
My Theme Songs
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This is the way I feel about my life…they help me keep it in perspective…
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
“Bring The Rain”
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I’ve gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It’s never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there’ll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what’s a little rain
So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
[ www.azlyrics.com ]
A Very Merry UnMother’s Day To Me, Not really
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About five years ago, Lifetime showed a movie about a woman obsessed with her infertility. Delta Burke played the woman. At the time, I remember thinking, I never want to be like that. If I can not have kids, I just won’t have kids. I won’t let it bother me like that. In the movie, Delta Burke goes psycho and even tries to kidnap someone else’s baby, but her emotions are pretty much par, I know I have probably even said some of the things she had said. So today, I decide to go to church on Mother’s Day, because I felt like I was being selfish and making a big deal out of nothing. I thought I had dealt with all of my feelings, and did not want to miss hanging out with my friends. I get there and the first thing in the door, a greeter tells me Happy Mother’s Day. He must have seen the look on my face, because he then said, Oh, not yet? I just smiled, I know he meant nothing by it. So I just let it go, but couldn’t help feeling sardonic. The night before a friend in our Sunday School class whom I thought weren’t even close to having kids, told me she was pregnant. I felt a sucker punch to my stomach. I was so angry, even at her. I hated it. She is a sweet person. So I go into Sunday School, and she’s there, but I try not to think about it. (She really is a great person, it has nothing to do with her, but what she has that I want.) Then during service, Dr. Cook says a nice prayer for all the people who had no children but wanted them, and for all those who had lost their Mother’s. That was nice, but then they showed this video of children with bible verses and babies on it. I looked everywhere but at the screen. I wanted to run screaming out of there. Next, they had seven babies and their families come up for the baby dedication. It was short, but I felt I was coming out of my skin. The sermon thankfully was about evangelism, but then I felt condemned because I have been so sick, I can not work and I never see non Christians. So I’m about to cry, because of my circumstances. Our friends invite us to lunch, so we head to W.W. Cousins to eat, which I love. The friend who is preggers now comes too, and some other couples. I sit beside the friend and purpose in my heart to be a friend. Then the other couple across from us, whom we hang out with all the time, and who just started trying (kind of), starts talking about expecting. I sputtered. I asked if they were pregnant. They apologize and sympathetically tell me, they thought I knew. Apparently, I was the only one who didn’t, and they seemed scared to tell me. I could just see the pity in their eyes. I wanted to burst into tears and run from the table, but I didn’t. I wanted to share in her excitement, because she’s a really cool girl too, but I was dying inside. The first pregger friend, said they had tried for six months and were starting to worry. We didn’t worry until the third year, were we stupid? And how hard is it to try for six months? If they were worried, think about how worried I am after three years and two months, and a year trying with my ex. I had cried the whole way to the restaurant, and then I cried the whole way home. That morning I was trying to be strong, and so I was singing the song “A Very Merry UnBirthday to me, to you” from Alice in Wonderland at the Mad Hatters Tea, was instead substituting, “A Very Merry UnMother’s Day to Me”. I was trying to make the best of a bad situation. When I got home from church it was like my heart was breaking I cried so hard, I was practically choking. My husband put me to bed. Then I realized that I had to call my Mother, it was her special day. I couldn’t ruin it for her. So I put on a happy face and voice, and called her. She didn’t realize what was going on. I do not think she understands what I am going through. I know the universe, and this holiday does not revolve around me. I know it is not all about me. I know everyone does not exist to make me happy. But I’m hurting so bad, why can’t they see it? Why does it have to be so hard for me? Why can’t I be like everyone else? Through my tears, I kept asking these questions, and saying, “It’s not fair!”. I know that’s wrong. During church, I started feeling bad, having hot flashes and a headache. In the restaurant, I started cramping. Then I take a nap this afternoon, and I wake up and guess who was here? Aunt Flo. Isn’t that ironic? The day I thought I was going to find out I was pregnant, Mother’s Day, is the day that I have to start. Bah Humbug!!!!!!! Whatever.
We Are Family
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What exactly is a family? Who makes up a family? Can you only be a family if you have children? All I have ever wanted was to have my own little family. Are not Garon and I a family of our own? It seems so small, but is it valid? Most people would see this little family as unfinished, incomplete. Isn’t that why everyone asks when are you going to have a family? When are you going to start having children? Why can’t it be enough just to have each other, why do they have to make us feel like we are lacking. We have a very loving and fun home, why does it have to be looked upon as less than? We can still do the traditions and have fun and give presents. It can be special. I was adding my little stick family portrait onto Facebook, and it felt silly to do one, since there is only two of us, but then I said no! , We are a family. What makes a family? Love. What else? Friendship. Someone has your back no matter what. Well, we have that, who says we need more?
keep looking »About
Hi. My name is Laura, and this is my journey through infertility and chronic pain. I hope it will minister to you, or you can use it to minister to someone else.
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