A Day in the Life

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We do not have much to report lately, what with just staying home to mend well.  But I could tell you a little about how we are spending our time….   We sleep in.  I know that sounds rough, but we stay up all night.  We stay up because Garon works until four am, and I would rather sleep when he sleeps.  We cook and we eat.  Garon plays on the computer, I read, and we watch Bones marathons together.  We talk a lot (not just me, Garon speaks too).  We laugh and we cry (lack of hormones are making me crazy).  Actually, Garon doesn’t cry, he just listens.  :)  Once a day, we try to get out for about an hour or so.  We may go to the grocery store, or the library, or get a cheap bite to eat, etc.  If not I get stir crazy.  Before you go thinking we love the good life, we are getting bored.  There is only so many movies you can watch, shows you can watch, and books you can read.  We miss people.  I miss getting to wear anything that isn’t cotton.  I haven’t worn makeup in three weeks, nor worn my hair in anything other than a pony tail.  Believe me, that’s torture.  :)  Then we water our garden and cook with the fresh basil, parsley, and thyme.  I love fresh herbs.  That’s about it.  Not too exciting huh?

Apology and Thank You

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I keep assuming that most people read our family blog.  If you do not read that one, I must apologize and thank you for all your prayers during this time.  We greatly appreciate all the prayers, thoughts, encouraging words, magazines, movies, meals, goodies, and etc.  We are thankful for all the love you show us every day.  You are truly showing us Christ in every way.  You guys are the best friends and family anyone could possibly ask for and I will never forget it.  Love, Me

Shopping is Good for the Soul

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I love shopping as a therapy.  I am a fashion junkie.  Do not judge me by what I wear, for I am poor.  That said, I rarely get to engage in this fun past time.  However, each day, Garon and I have been going on small outings to get me out of the house.  My mother called and wanted to give me something to look forward to, so she offered to buy me a new school outfit.  So, the other day, Garon and I went on a quick trip to a store, where I found two lovely blouses.  One is brown with white and mustard flowers (sounds horrible, but definitely cute).   The other is black with a little lace up top.  Both are modest, but very feminine.  After living in t shirts and pajamas, I need feminine.  Garon is taking me on a date after my six week checkup.  We are going to fine dine and dress up.  I can not wait to plan what I will wear.  I want to go eat at Avalon, which has a patio with tiny white lights, and is very romantic.  I am going to take time with my makeup and curl my hair.  Garon has always told me that love is a choice.  He chooses to love me every day.  Can it be that happiness is a choice as well?

Unshakeable Faith

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Carol Kent says that in bad circumstances, we can either affirm our faith or choose to lie down and die (essentially give up).   She says it is possible to have unshakeable faith in horrific circumstances.  Using the story of Abraham and Isaac, she says that Abraham trusted God so much, that he was willing to surrender what he deeply loved without being able to envision a specific or positive outcome.  Ergo my problem, I am terrified that my life is going to be irrevocably changed due to my illness, and I can not imagine a positive outcome.  I am not willing to sacrifice control, public opinion, and my dreams.  I want to serve God, but in my own way.  I think what I have in store is so much better.  HA!  I think I can out plan the God of the UNIVERSE.  I’m such an idiot.  :)  I can not imagine how I could serve God from a sick bed.  I am more concerned about the fairness of it all.  So now I have to figure out how to give up control.  HMMM….  that’s a tough one.

My Wilderness Experience (and update on surgery)

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First, I would like to be honest about something.  I have not written or talked to anyone lately because I am ashamed.  I ashamed because I am still in pain.  I feel everyone expects a success story.  I went to all this trouble of having my organs removed to be pain free and I am not.  The doctor was unable to get some of the disease and I am still in pain every day.  I want to quit taking the pain killers.  I am embarrassed that I am still having to ask for them.  But nothing essentially has changed, I am in pain every day.  The thing that was always causing me pain was unable to be treated.  It is now being treated by taking away my hormones.  Having menopause is supposed to take away the pain supposedly in two weeks.  If it does not, the doctor says I will have more tests run on my back, because she thinks it may be something else.  I am avoiding everyone because I fear people thinking I am a loser and a hopeless cause.  I don’t want them to think I am needy.  That said, I have been experiencing major depression.  I am terrified that my past year’s existence will be my life forever, and I was ready to quit.  Not quit believing in God, but quit school, quit the ministry, and just live a regular life.  Why?  How can I help others, when I can’t even help myself?  How can I counsel others about pain, when I can’t handle it myself?  How can I tell them about God, when I don’t trust Him?  I did not think I could live in anymore physical pain on pain medicine.  The doctors rarely believe me.  They make me feel like an addict, which I am not.  Don’t worry I have asked myself many times.  I will go without pain medicine on some days, just to make sure it is not in my head and that  it is real.  I feel like I am begging for drugs.  Then there is the liver problems it can cause.  I also hate the way they make me feel.  I did not believe that God would take care of this and make it bearable.  I need to work and I am physically unable.  It is embarrasing because I look normal on the outside, but every day I hurt really bad.  I was at the end of my rope.  I thought I could not take anymore and it would never get better.  I was so humiliated.  So….. after my husband’s pleading with me……  I told him fine.  My trying to control this whole situation has netted nothing.  I promised him that I would give his way a try.  I have nothing left to lose right?  I am spiritually bankrupt, not far from being physically bankrupt (hee hee), in horrible health, and have nothing going for me right now.  So ….   I went to the library and got a Christian book.  Guess what book I got?  Only the perfect book for this situation…  More later…  You have to hear this fabulous quote first. 

“WE CAN HUG OUR HURTS AND MAKE A SHRINE OUT OF OUR SORROWS OR WE CAN OFFER THEM TO GOD AS A SACRIFICE OF PRAISE. THE CHOICE IS OURS.” - Richard Exley

For so long I have been trying to control this situation.  Worried about money, about school, what the doctors think of me, what everyone thinks of me and my stupid problems, etc….  No more.  I can’t live like this.  I am tired of trying to heal myself and to show the world that I can handle this.  I quit.  I surrender.  It is time to do this God’s way.  I refuse to make a shrine out of my sorrows anymore. 

Now, back to the book.  I am not saying in anyway that my problems even compare to this lady’s.  She has been through something more horrific than I could imagine, but she is definitely putting a lot of things in perspective for me.  The book is called When I Lay My Isaac Down by Carol Kent, and she is showing me how to have unshakeable faith in my circumstances.  More on this later…

Adopting an Older Child

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The more time I spend with young children, I find that I enjoy older children more.  Is it because I am just not a nurturer?  Or is it because God is preparing my heart for an older child?  I do not know.  As I get older, I just do not have any patience.  Is this my feelings?  Or is this because there is a child who needs me?  I definitely need to think more on this, but I have all the time in the world.  I have always been afraid of adopting an older child because of bonding issues and other things, such as abuse.  If I do not have the patience for a little child, how will I have patience for a wounded child?  I like the idea though, because there are so many older children that desperately need homes.

Still Kicking

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Hello everyone.  I am doing well.  My stomach and incision is healing wonderfully.  It no longer hurts.  However, my back pain is still there, so I have been taken off my hormones.  I am going through menopause to kill the rest of the disease.  I am in good spirits.  I have been thinking a lot about adoption.  I truly believe I want to adopt, but now I think I’d rather wait a little bit.  I was talking with Garon about spending some time focused on God, paying off our debt, and focusing on our marriage.  Then maybe a few years from now, adopting maybe an older child.  I don’t know.  I am about to turn thirty, so it makes us feel like we have all the time in the world.  Not having my ticking time bomb of a uterus is actually a relief.  Right now, I am trying to focus on my marriage.  It is exciting, not having all of this pain over our heads.  I think I’m falling in love with my husband all over again.  We want to travel too.  Maybe when we travel we could adopt internationally, but I want to wait until we are out of school.  We’ve had so much going on these past few years.  It is exciting  to think of the future.  I can’t wait to see what’s next…. For once it feels like anything exciting could happen.  I’m actually looking forward to spending the next few years with my husband, doing things we would not have been able to do otherwise.  I want a family.  I always have, but now it feels like we are getting some extra time to do some other things, and it feels right.  Used to, I thought I would die if I could not be a young mother, or have my own children.  Now, this whole thing feels right.  Could God actually be changing my desires?  Now I can focus on finishing school, focus on doing what God wants me to do, get to know my husband better, get out of debt, travel, and still have a family….  We could have all done this before, I know… But it would have been harder having children while we were still in school…  I am not knocking having children at a young age, I am just shocked that I feel good about all of this, almost like I have been given a new lease on life….  Strange…

I feel like a teenager…

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I sound so angsty all the time.  I am either on cloud nine lately, or down in the dumps.  My husband thinks it is the hormones.  “Like anyways,”  I have some new music on here.  It is not melodramatic.  It is where I am at now, and yet it is very much praising the Father.  Revive Me by Jeremy Camp is the one I most feel like, because I need reviving desperately.  The words speak what I feel way better than I ever could to the Lord.  Forgive Me by Rebecca St. James/Barlow Girl is what I need to say to the Lord, for forsaking Him, and ignoring Him during this hard time.  As usual I’m trying to do it all in my own power.  The others are pretty self explanatory.  Enjoy!

Revive Me Lyrics

Consider my affliction and please deliver me
Plead my cause and redeem me
Salvation is not for the wicked
For they don’t seek your word
Great are your tender mercies Lord

Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, that I may seek your word
Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, oh Lord

You give me understanding
According to your word
Great peace for those who seek your face
I long for salvation
My lips shall praise your name
I rejoice in the treasure of your keep

Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, that I may seek your word
Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, oh Lord

For all my ways are before you
I let your hand become my help
My soul longs and adores you
Let my cry come before you oh Lord

Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, that I may seek your word
Revive me, according to your loving kindness
Revive me, oh Lord

Oh, Revive me
Revive me

Forgive Me Lyrics

For all the times I’ve failed You, Lord
Forgive me
For all the ways I’ve fallen short
Lord, forgive me now
God, I’m so in need of grace
I fall upon my face
Forgive me

You see the tears fall down my face
Forgive me
Take my fear, Lord, take my shame
Lord, forgive me now
Purify me, make me new
Like only You can do
Forgive me now

Lord, we come to honor You
We are forgiven
We bring our love and thanks to You
We are forgiven now

God we praise You for Your grace
Before You we are raised
Forgiven
God we praise You for Your grace
Before You we are raised
Forgiven
Forgiven

RipTide

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I am caught in a rip tide of my own making.  Since my illness began, I have gradually been seeking numbness from the pain of my so called life.  Now, I can’t get back.  I do not know how to get back, or maybe I am just not willing to face the cost.  I have been seeking everything but God.  You know, for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to help others.  Now, I do not know what I want to do.  I feel adrift here.  Am I really meant to be in the ministry?  Who am I kidding?  I am the biggest screw up there is.  I go head strong for a while for Jesus, then something happens, or dullness sets in, and I quit.  I am just one big quitter.  It’s not about the infertility, the pain, or whether or not I want to be a parent.  It’s bigger than that.  I need my purpose back.  I need my focus back.  Okay, I know, I need Jesus.  No, I’m not saying I’m not saved.  I’m saying I’m adrift.  How do I have confidence?  How do I know who I am and what my purpose is in this world?  I wanted to be a mother, I think, more than anything, just to have a purpose.  Some great meaning to my little life.  What am I to do with myself and this life?  I always go pedal to the medal with everything, is this really me and what I am supposed to be?  Or have I just jumped from ship to ship trying to fill my life with something?  Why did I choose my vocation?  Was it God, or me seeking something easy?  Why do I serve a Savior, when I can’t feel Him right now?

Note:  I am recovering well, and am happy with my surgery.  However, now that my illness is getting better, some things I have not been dealing with are rearing their heads.  So much time was spent dealing with this illness, now what do I want to do with my life?  I can not be a parent for a while, so what am I supposed to be doing with this time?  And now, I’m starting to doubt whether or not I really want to be a parent.  Everything is so jumbled now…  It’s like I’m floating above my life, looking at it like a movie, and saying is this who I want to be?  I love the Lord, but am I living my life my way or the life He wants for me?  I just want to know if I’m making these decisions because they are the right ones, or because I want a certain end result… such as the American dream, to be popular, to be like everyone else, and etc….

Recovering Wonderfully

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I’m feeling good and doing well.  Thank you for all the prayers and thoughts.  The surgery went well.  It was painful recuperating at first, but not as bad as I thought it would be.  They were able to get everything out without any complications, but for one implantation on my rectum.  If they had proceeded, they could have damaged my bowels.  I am very thankful they did not.  :)  That is supposed to die slowly, but is going to be killed by having the hormones removed.  In time, I should be better than before.  I can not wait.  I am happy.  Thrilled actually!  Now we need some bright and happy music, to uplift this place.  New music coming soon and more updates on recovery.  See you soon!

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