I believe a little perspective here is needed. I have been angry and bitter for a while over my sicknesses. Every day has been a struggle for the past three years, to not let it overwhelm me. If it hasn’t been one thing, it has been another. However, lately I have been feeling humbled. I have been hearing about other people’s tragedies, the Chapman’s losing a daughter and sister, Leah losing her Mother, and so on. I am so sorry that I have not handled my infirmities with grace and faith. I am ashamed that I have not trusted God more, when He has been there for me time and again. I just can’t quit thinking, Who Am I? Like God asked Job in the Bible, who am I to question God? God has a reason for all this, if I would just trust Him and look to Him for the answers. I have held on to my comforts and my rights with such a tight fist, when I am so very much blessed. The list of my blessings would cover too much space in this blog to write about. The Chapman’s were quoted as saying, that the only way they get through is looking to God every moment, and just taking it moment by moment. I thought that I was in a living death. (Because I am not really living, I am locked inside a body who can not do the things I want it to do.) How selfish have I been? The Chapman’s daughter said that God’s mercies are new every morning. I have read that before in the Bible, but I guess I just let it in one ear and out the other. I am going to try my hardest to look to God for my comfort and my strength. I’m not expecting to be perfect, but I want to do my best. Even if it means minute by minute, giving up my dreams and hopes. I want His peace and His sweet relief.
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I have decided to move on from this blog for at least the time being. I am tired of focusing on infertility and chronic pain. I have to face the reality that I may live the rest of my life in pain. If that is so, then I want my life to have a different kind of focus. I never heard back on that support group for infertility, and maybe that’s best. I feel I have learned and experienced all I can on this subject. I feel I am becoming a broken record. Plus, I want to live my life with hope. I am facing a child less future unless I decide to adopt. I do feel that I would like to adopt. However, since that is not in the cards right now, I would like to focus on other things. I will continue to leave this blog up for those who are going through infertility, so they will not feel alone, and for others to understand all it entails. My new blog is just going to be about the things that interest me. It will be about my life, my loves, my spiritual life, and all that God is teaching me. I may review books and movies. I may write about art and crafts. I may write about counseling and the word of God. I will post the address as soon as it is up, if you are interested. If not, thank you for your interest, your time, your prayers, your comments, and your encouragement. I do not want infertility to define me any more. I’m just gonna be me.
I am so excited to be taking Systematic Theology this fall. This is going to help me flesh out more of the things I believe, and hopefully put them into words that are clear. I know what I believe, but I do not know how to communicate very well. It is kind of ironic that I am struggling with communication, when I always made straight A’s in public speaking. I loved it! Garon says it is just my written communication. I am also taking Old Testament 1and Typical Problems in Biblical Counseling. Typical Problems is very practical. It deals with all the issues we will deal with in counseling and how to approach them. There will be specific strategies, verses, and guidance from God’s word.
8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast.–Ephesians 2:8-9
Garon had me read a chapter in the book Future Grace by John Piper. I learned something very neat from it. Let’s see if I can describe it to you without butchering it. Piper says that grace is something that we can not boast in ourselves. Faith means we can not boast in ourselves. This has shamed me. I do not understand grace and have no faith, because I am still boasting in myself. I am looking to myself for my healing, my help, and my hope. Does that make sense? It is not grace or faith, when I am boasting in myself. This means I am taking away God’s glory from Him. I have been listening to a lot of Christian music this week. These past few weeks I have struggled with my quiet time, so when I felt really down, I would listen to music. Listening to songs and the thoughts of song writers, I realized there is nothing I have faced that is uncommon to man. There is nothing I have been through, that God does not understand or see. Listening to their words, has driven me to want to read my Bible. Isn’t that great? God can use anything to draw us near to Him. Another thing I learned this week, was how to encourage my husband. I learned about how we as women focus more on our husband’s faults, than on their strengths. Now this may seem obvious, but it wasn’t to me. I have heard this before, but I thought I did not do that. Little did I know, but I am very guilty of this. No matter how much my husband does for me, if he messes up one little tiny time, I do not let it go. When I fail him, ten million times more than he has ever failed me. I’ve noticed that we tend to get tunnel vision. We get wrapped up in our little lives and do not notice others. Last, there is the subject of Daily Bread. When we pray the Lord’s prayer, we do not even really pay attention to these words. However, I was reminded through a situation, that I can not pray that prayer every once in a while and expect for everything to be perfect. I have to seek Him moment by moment, day by day, and He will provide. Why do I hate praying every day for the same things, when that is what He wants me to do? I am to ask for the things I need daily, even if I asked Him last week. Then I must expect He will provide. Why do I not trust Him to provide today, when He did yesterday? Why do I try to control the situation, and try to fulfill my own needs? Why do I worry that He won’t come through for me? The Bible says that He will supply our needs. So, I guess, this has been a good time of year. Even though I’ve been in bed for weeks, I’ve had a wonderful opportunity to read and learn and think about my Savior. Let’s hope this sticks, and I don’t forget all I have learned.
I went to the doctor today, for a follow up to see if taking me off the hormones had worked to kill the rest of the endometriosis. When the doctor found out I was still in bad pain in my back, she suggested I continue the “hormone holiday”. She was quite pleased with how well I was healing otherwise. She then gave me a referral to a family doctor who also specializes in sports medicine to run some tests on my back. She wants to rule out any other problems. I would love to have your prayers that we could get to the bottom of this, so that I can totally be healed in time for school to start…. thanks a bunch!
This life is a journey not a destination. These words are not my own obviously. I don’t remember who first said these words, and maybe no one does. It is just one of those things people say. All my life, I have been trying to wrap everything up in a new little bow, rushing to the finish line, trying to accomplish something that means something. I rush from thing to thing, never once slowing down to enjoy what I am learning. I believe that God has knocked my feet out from underneath me. Why? How else would I stop and listen? When would I slow down enough to see what God was trying to tell me. I am thankful for this time. I am tired of kicking and screaming. God has sustained me, when I thought I could not take anymore. He has provided me with everything I need, I want for nothing. My theology has been wrong for most of my life. I do not think I ever really understood the meaning of grace. I thought I was not good enough for Him or to be used by Him. How many times in the Bible did Jesus hang with the thieves, the whores, and the downtrodden of society? Who did He use? He used broken vessels like me. I have been so selfish and foolish. This life is not about me, my rights, and what I want. It is not about the American Dream, having two point five children, or the perfect career. Bethany Dillon sings a song called “You Are On Our Side”, it is on this page, if you want to listen to it. It is about the weak of the world, the widow, the orphan, and the sick. It is about how God feels about those people. He sits at the table with them. He invites them to come to Him. How could I not believe that He loved me? How could I not understand He was on my side? How did I miss that? He chose me, I did not choose Him. He drew me unto Him. That is why I want to be a counselor. I want to help the wounded and the poor. I want to show them who can really fulfill them, who really loves them, the only one who can really heal them, and the only one who satisfies. I may sound like a cliche, or may be using trite phrases. I never said I was good with words. But we are fools, if we believe this is all there is to life. Father and Lord, Forgive Me.
I love you, Lord;
you are my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
3 I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.
4 The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
5 The grave[a] wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.
6 But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears.
I love the night time. I always have, especially stormy ones. I can sit all curled up in my safe home and listen to it rage. I have always found it soothing. It makes me feel like the storm is just letting it all out. It sounds so cleansing to not have to hold it in. As you can tell, I have never been one to hold things in, unless it can hurt those around me. I find that I am somewhat like the storm, unable to hold it in one more minute. I used to love to go out at night. I never was one to want to stay home. It just seems different, romantic, soothing, and yet exciting all at the same time. However, this fall, I am about to become a morning person. In just a couple of weeks school will begin. I will be finding a job and I will no longer be a nocturnal creature with my husband. I love sleeping in the mornings. Oh well, back to the real world. My incision is still healing wonderfully. It won’t be long until I am running around and wondering what did I ever do with my time. I love the Fall too. It is my favorite time of the year. I love jacket weather and boots. I love football games with my husband and the holidays. It is also the return to classes. I am such a nerd, because I love new notebooks, books, and pens. I love getting ready for that first day of class. I always did as a kid. It was always a time of new beginnings for me. This year I will be entering a new decade. I will be turning thirty years old. I can not wait! A new beginning, a fresh start, and hope in my heart. Okay that was corny, but that’s the way I feel. I got a few books in the mail today. Two are how I can encourage my husband, and three are about how I can get closer to God, understand how He really feels about me, and how to live my life in a way that pleases Him. I have started reading them, and I feel the scales coming off my eyes. I am trying to focus on the good things in my life. I am also trying to trust God no matter what. It’s a process…but I’m not alone. I’m never alone.